January is Improvement Month by my calendar.



A good thing can always get better.



Ito ang kamalayan ni lavender-wilwarin.

♥ the extroverted introvert
♥ the calm panicker
♥ the silent amplifier
♥ the messy OC
♥ the tough softie
♥ the honest denial queen
♥ the creative traditionalist
♥ the friendly loner
♥ the strict laugher
♥ indifferently mushy
♥ logically irrational
♥ seriously silly
♥ impatiently patient
♥ femininely maton
♥ glamorously simple

and yes, i am hearts and sunshine in the autumn.


i try to understand myself as well.=P

This blogskin is made not only by me but it is made with some help/resources.

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For the past weeks, my belief that it doesn't take much to be happy has been continually reinforced. They always portray happiness as an elusive quality, like one can go in search of it forever and never find it, like this life is generally meant to be lived in drudgery, misery and mediocrity. Lukewarm emotions towards people and occurrences abound. But I have come to rediscover how simple it is to be in that state of smiling happiness.

I for one have joy in my heart having God in my life even in times of sorrow or uncertainty, but I have come to see that impermanent feeling of happiness is not difficult to achieve either, it's just a matter of adjusting one's view, or sharpening one's vision.

It all boils down to what you think can make you happy. Most of the time it's not in transitory things. Family, friends, love, peace, affirmation, good laughs and good stories, long walks and long talks, embraces, productive days, food that warms the heart, right amounts of sunshine, rain and wind - these are the things that make me happy, and not all need to be present at all times. Four of these things are always present in my life, and for that I realize that I am now enjoying a constant state of happiness.

All this makes me see just how blessed I really am. I am joyful and grateful that God has given me a life that is rich in all measures to enable me to thrive and gain footing. So this year, it is my basic wish for me to be used as an instrument to make others happy.

I have had my lifetime's worth of wishes for myself and noticed that most of the things I want are just icing on my fudgy non-spongy delectable cake. This year, I want to be able to make at least another person happy. That would make me even happier. So really, there are no losses in putting other people first. To know that you had a part, however small a measure, in making someone smile or forget his worries even just for a moment, would give such an incorrupt, selfless happiness to oneself. And that, to me, is happiness in its truest form.

I thank God for another blessed year.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
01/04/2010
12:00am

I know you have a whole different side to this and for all I know, this may just be another hormone attack care of PMS, but I'm feeling too much right now and I believe I owe it to you to let you know.

This is new to me (as I know it is for you too) and there may be a lot I haven't adjusted to yet. But I've been feeling really bad lately.

I know it's unfair to expect but I had the impression commitment entails communication. I don't know how it can be managed to not be able to hear from the other person for an entire day; it certainly is hard for me. Somehow you seem to manage just fine.

Lately you give me the feeling that you'd rather be with friends than be with me. That you'd rather talk to them on the phone and find out how they're doing than listen to me jabber on about work woes (and I wouldn't blame you, who wouldn't). That you'd rather spend time with them than with me. That when you have free time, it's one of them you're thinking of calling instead of me. That you wouldn't think of me at all unless I message you first. That I am gathering dust at the very bottom of your priority list. I feel very square, boring and unimportant.

I'd like to think if this were school, I'd be one of the major subjects without which one would flunk out of the degree, and not just an extra-curricular activity that messes up with one's academics and holds no bearing to the general weighted average.

There are a lot more things to be said, but I can't anymore.

Did you notice how many "I's" were there in this post? I know being where we are now means saying less "I's" and mentioning more "you's", more importantly, focusing on the "we". Forgive me for my selfishness.

I just told you recently not to make me cry, but today, you just did.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
12/12/2009
03:41am

Let it be known that this is not an attack, but an act of love. I miss you always.
[this is obviously me making a big deal out of little things. PMS please end soon.]

You have the power to make things better or make me cry.

My thoughts go out to you constantly; in every fraction of a nanosecond, my thoughts go out to you. I am acutely aware of the time and I find myself wishing to have the power to speed it up so I could be with you or slow it down when we are together. I am incapable of looking at you when we have to part and I immediately turn my back after the "see you soon" because I fear I won't be able to walk away from you. Every breath I take smells of your perfume.

When we are not together, I think of you. I think of what makes you smile. I wonder how one can be so calm and enigmatic, I wonder if I bore or annoy you with all my talk. I think of how you holding my hand gives me a feeling of security and at the same time allows me admission of vulnerability, that I need people. That I need you.

And so here I am, babbling my way in an effort to make it very clear, as transparent and fragile as crystal can get, to make it known that I miss you.

I miss you.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
11/13/2009
02:02am

For the longest time, I seem to be writing with a dark cloud above my head. I only remember to write about the stuff that elicit negative emotions, and while I never forget to inject my brand of hope and positivism, people might begin to wonder if my life really has a constant climate of dreariness.

Well, it does not.

I have a lot of words to describe frustrating and depressing conditions, maybe to make sure that whoever gets to read it would somehow feel what I felt, even to the smallest extent; but right now, where I am, it's quite simple to convey my state. I wouldn't employ witty wordplay, amazing alliteration (but then again, that's just what I did =P), numerous figures of speech or flowery descriptives to share how I am, just that:

I am happy.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
11/03/2009
03:49am


...and it feels really great to be.=D

It happens to everyone once in a while: one drowns in stress but is still unable to stop, not unlike working in an assembly line (ayun, nag-tunog Marxist =P), until sometimes one squeezes out musings of whether one would still be able to recognize oneself in the mirror.

There really are more famous international languages. In college, there were certain foreign language classes that quickly run out of slots during the first few hours of enlistment; there were lines upon lines of students petitioning for new classes to be opened. One of my previous professors, upon asking some students what foreign language electives they were taking, commented vehemently: “RUSSIAN?! Portuguese? Why are you taking these classes? Those languages won’t help you! Ilang tao ba sa mundo ang nagsasalita ng Russian [I wanted to tell him ‘a lot’, since Russia is a big country with a big population, but didn’t want to be a smart-aleck]?”

Spanish, French and Italian: these were the high-demand European language classes in college. I’d confess that I had wanted to speak French and Spanish for the longest time. To my ears, French is just so romantic and elegant; Spanish is so passionate and rhythmic. I fought tooth and nail to get the classes (well, not really, mostly I waited patiently, fell in line for hours, kept my fingers crossed, and prerog-ed to death) until I did get them.

My work entailing being at events to feature in our magazine show, I went with my crew to the opening of Pelicula, the Spanish Film Festival by Instituto Cervantes. It was a delight to hear the language being spoken, and as the Institute’s director delivered his opening remarks, I found myself out of breath at the English speech being delivered but still sounding very Spanish.

It was beautiful.

Then I realized, how come we Filipinos don’t speak like that when using our native tongue? Is it because our languages are inferior to them? Is it because we have poor capacities at enunciation? Certainly not.

All languages are equally beautiful. But while I was sitting there, I suddenly noticed what differentiated those languages which were internationally-recognized as beautiful from the native languages that we speak.

The Spanish and the French, these people, they truly love their language. They speak it with a passion, they savor it in their mouths like a multi-flavored taste, they recognize its power; they deliver it with respect. Each word that they release is at once firm and lyrical. They promote it to the world with full conviction that their language is beautiful.

How I would love the Filipino language to be spoken that way. We study it formally for at least 15 years but in the end we still know little about it and have even less appreciation for it (and less, it seems, for our regional tongues, as some are on the verge of being declared dead languages). Filipino for one is a beautiful language, highly evocative and poetic, and it comes with specific structures and rules.

I admit, even I, who am writing about this right now, am also one of the majority who do not have a comprehensive knowledge of the language. I do not write as effectively in Filipino. I will not, if randomly asked, be able to discuss the difference in delivery of words which are maragsa, malumi, malumay. We as a people do not devote much time mastering something that we use extensively every single day of our lives.

If only we treat our languages with the same love and respect other nations treat theirs, it just might contribute, even if for a small measure, to having more responsibility towards building our identity as a nation.

One time my mother told me, “Anak, kapag nag-e-English ka hindi perfect ang diction, ano? Hindi kagaya no’ng nag-aaral ka sa ----------.”

I said, “Oo nga po. Walang twang, diretso lang.”

“Bakit ayaw mong magsalita ng ganun?”

“Hindi naman ako tumira sa ibang bansa e. Saka American English ‘yun. Filipino English ang gamit ko.”


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
10/07/2009
02:35am

I had a persistent headache. I couldn't breathe properly. The opening of my eyes were one millimeter wide and my eyebags were five inches thick. My entire face was red the whole day. I had rashes up to my shoulders from hyperventilating and crying.

It was my birthday, alright. In keeping with tradition, it's the 10th I spent crying (my 19th birthday being a special case as it issued forth tears of joy thanks to my blockmates' overwhelming surprise). I have kept on asking, why always on this day?

I am a relatively cheerful person. I punctuate most sentences with a tiny laugh. I could say I am a generally content person with a positive outlook and with little complaints. Remember that I have the naive perspective and am very easy to please.=P But when August comes around, the floodgates of my lacrimal glands loosen slowly until they open all out on the 28th for a flashflood. And I ask, why on this day? Why should a heaviness shroud me on the day that is supposed to be mine?

This year, I am reminded of some answers.


I should be thankful for everything. Should I accept only the good and not face the bad?

Turn the other cheek.

The meek shall inherit the earth.

Those who exalt themselves shall be humbled, and those who are humble shall be exalted.


In the middle of the very busy work night, I arrived at my second location where I left my cameraman and was saddened that I did not get to hear even one song from this concert of one of the bands I like with the Manila Symphony Orchestra.

Then they announce that they would be playing the last song of the night.

It's 'Wag Ka Nang Umiyak.

Guess what I did [hahahaha].

I say, it's easy to be given fleeting spurts of happiness on birthdays, but to be given maturity, learning, and the opportunity to rise is a special gift indeed.

I may cry until my eyeballs get so swollen they invade my entire face, but I have joy in my heart, and that is a constant.

Thank God for tears.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
09/02/2009
05:21pm

Kailangan ilabas sa sistema ang lason.

Hindi ako nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko.

Pero ang tantsa ko naman sa sarili ko, somewhat madaling kausap. I don't complain much. I'm content with working in the sidelines and laboring backstage. I will do almost everything to make sure the job is done well. Umaattitude din ako pero ginagawa ko pa rin ang trabaho ko. I'm a peace-loving person who keeps to herself. Hindi ako nanunumbat. Hindi ako nakikipagtalo. Tahimik lang akong nagtatrabaho. I also don't stay around waiting to be given credit. Okay lang sa aking sumalo ng sumalo ng sumalo ng sumalo kahit masakit na ang tuhod ko; minsan nga lang nadadapa.

Mapagtimpi at mapagtiis ako, hanggang umabot sa puntong hindi na ako makahinga.

HUWAG NAMAN KAYONG UMABUSO.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
08/22/2009
03:26am

Thoughts for the season:

Recession ngayon, 'wag magpaka-choosy.

Habang bata pa at kaya pa, 'wag masyadong mag-overthink. Gawin lahat ng puwedeng gawin.

Being bunso is not a license.

bow.


lavender-wilwarin
coreenangelicafernandezchan
07/02/2009
02:29am